My journey to holistic recovery

When I began to address my substance abuse issues I started with the 12 step fellowships. It made the most sense. Its widely available, free, and it works. And I thought it would work for me. I came to discover that it works for some. Breakthroughs happen all the time in the 12 step fellowships. Some people have lasting, quality sobriety, some choose to return to drugs and alcohol, some try and fail repeatedly, struggling with the program for the rest of their lives. Some people find alternative means and methods of recovery.

My story in AA is not unique. Upon entering the rooms, I took and followed the suggestion I heard. I got a sponsor, did the step work, involved myself with the community, I did service, and for a time it seemed to be going well. I accumulated 11 months of, what I considered at the time to be, quality sobriety.

On the flip side, my eating habits had become quit poor. I was consuming a lot of sugar and coffee, I was shopping impulsively, and smoking 30 cigarettes a day. So long as I wasn’t consuming alcohol and cocaine the general consensus was that I was doing well. And there is truth in this, my life did improve greatly with the elimination of those two substances. But It was a wave that I couldn’t ride forever.

I'm sober for 11 months before relapsing. Full blown. Cocaine, whiskey, the works. I went from zero to turbo with no real awareness of how I got there. What was I thinking? How did I go from ordering Chinese takeout to picking up a bottle and calling my dealer? All the work I had done in the program, steps taken, relationships built, and tools at my disposal were not enough or didn’t even factor into my decision. A decision I cant explain making.

I briefly returned to the program and quickly gave up. Fuck it, the door was open and I was hot out of the gates. It took me 4 months to get sober again. This pattern was repeated for 3 years. Almost to the exact dates. At this point I’m pretty discouraged and have little faith that there is a solution to my "problem". The truth is that drugs and alcohol had become my solution. My relationship with friends and family were under an immense amount of strain and I'm quickly arriving at a place of homelessness, complete disconnection and deep depression. Not to mention my physical health is suffering.

In a final move of desperation, I started to contact treatment centers. I was on a mission. The goal: finding a center that was not 12 step orientated and paid strong attention to physical health. In my search I was surprised to learn that many centers do not allow physical activity. But I was determined to find a place that could provide the safe, supportive environment I needed to work.

I new that going forward I had to make some major changes. My recovery meant a total overhaul of my eating habits, quitting smoking and beginning a routine of exercise. The saying that you only have to change one thing: everything, was starting to sink in. I found a center not far from where I lived that had everything I was looking for. Yoga 5 days a week, outings to the local gym and pool 3-4 times a week. A chef who worked with you one on one to discover and meet your nutritional needs and goals. And all modalities of therapy were available.

After a week of being there I quit smoking, stopped eating sugar, as much as anyone can these days, its in everything. I began exercising 4 times a week and practice yoga everyday. I threw myself into the therapy, clinical, addictions. I began reading all the literature available to me, I continued going to AA and began SMART meetings as well. I participated in group therapy and all activities offered by the facility. I had what I would describe as tunnel vision for my recovery. I'm an addict. I tend to go to extremes. All or nothing. Its fair to say that upon entering the rooms of AA I was grateful to be in the company of fellow addicts, forming connections and friendships after being isolated for so long. When I got to treatment, I was so recovery driven that I stepped away from human connection to focus on healing. And this is where my big breakthrough happened. My inability to form and maintain healthy relationships was never a secret. But it never occurred to me that it was a foundational issue leading to my destructive antisocial behavior.

The process of me connecting body and mind showed me how alienated I had become from the rest of the world. Introducing body work to my recovery gave me a baseline, a floor to work off of rather than the ceiling I kept hitting. The disillusion surrounding my recovery began to fall away, it wasn’t just about my head anymore. My mind was one part of a larger entity that needed healing. I was creating a checklist for self inquiry and self discovery. I never wanted to be sitting in front of the metaphorical train wreck that my life resembled asking why? Or how did this happen? I was tired of not having an answer to “why do I fell this way"? By acknowledging my body, mind and spirituality I had a removed all mystery in my recovery, there was no need to obsess over unwanted feelings of anxiety, there was no sinister plan against me,no impending doom, no opportunity to fall into victim hood driven by entitlement and ego. I have agency in my recovery today, I am responsible for my thought’s feelings and actions. I have a blueprint not only for recovery but for my life going forward. I can't picture what it would be like to go back to the life I had. The truth is that I want what I have today more then what I had then. today I have something that I feel can be shared with others who are suffering as I have, for those who keeping hitting the same walls and can't find a way around them. if that's you then I want you to know I get it. I'm here to help if you're ready and want it.